Julia Gillard v Tony Abbott: Australian politics for dummies

Bill Bryson wrote that there was nothing in Australian life more complicated and bewildering to the outsider than its politics.  Not only is it difficult to argue with that, but also if the price of being an insider is having to try to understand them, I'm quite happy to stay on the outside.

Bryson gave up when he got to the voting system.  I consider him a bit of a lightweight, personally.  At least that bit's written down in the Constitution and various Acts of Parliament, so you can actually read about it.  What I can't cope with is the fact that, as soon as you think you've got to grips with an issue, some more knowledgeable Aussie will wink and tell you that it's all nonsense.  With a superior but confidential air, they will tell you that the only reason for that policy is because of some dirty deal done, or vendetta started, back when Mr or Ms X was climbing the greasy pole in trade union politics.

What follows is therefore a simplistic, unfair and highly prejudiced introduction to Australian political life - enough, say, to equip you for the first twenty years or so of living here.

What are the groupings?  Well, there are two main parties, one of which isn't one party but two.  The first is Labor, which is currently governing the nation in a loose coalition with various independents and Greens.  By a quirk of history, its name is the only place in Australia that the American spelling of the word is used in place of the British "Labour".

I wonder if he's had enough cake?

The second is, confusingly, actually known as the Coalition, and is made up of a confederation of the Liberal Party and the National Party.  The Liberal Party is the larger of the two, and when they win elections it tends to supply the Prime Minister.

Labor supporters are, I am led to believe, a bunch of Communists whose aim is to expropriate the property of hard-working Australians, shoot anyone who owns their own house, and distribute the proceeds to criminals, drug addicts and the chronically workshy.   

Liberals, on the other hand, tend to be crypto-fascist gun nuts with religious mania, who are never happier than when they're sending orphans to the workhouse, hanging gays from lampposts and shackling feminists to the kitchen sink.  The Nationals are similar, but not as nice.

The final party worth mentioning are the Greens.  They are made up of female vegetarians whose brains have been enfeebled by long term exposure to nut cutlets, and men who are only there because they want to sleep with the women.

The current Prime Minister, and leader of the Labor Party, is Julia Gillard.  She combines the distinction of being her nation's first woman Premier with an accent that curls the toes of many of her fellow Australians, reminiscent as it is of your less sophisticated grandmother enquiring earnestly whether you'd like another slice of cake.

The leader of the Liberals, and of the Coalition, is Tony Abbott.  A balding, jug-eared hatchet man, his biggest claim to fame is probably his addiction to demonstrating his virility by parading around on beaches wearing nothing more than budgie smugglers (Speedos) and a pelt that would shame a gorilla.

Sorry, Putin wasn't available.  Will
Tony Abbott do instead?

What of the current political situation?  Well, so far as I understand it, the Coalition has no policies whatsoever.  This means that it is far ahead in the opinion polls, as a result of Labor's habit of introducing new taxes that it unfortunately forgot to mention to the voters at the previous election.

Many Australians will tell you that the only reasons for voting for the party on the other side of the spectrum to theirs are moral degeneracy or intellectual inferiority.  This is unfair.  Their electoral laws say that they have to cast a ballot, so they've got to vote for someone.  Even if that means that they end up literally having to vote for anyone.